Miscellanea | Religious Jokes
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confessing to adultery, I'll quit! "Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived. He visited the Mayor of the town and
seemed very concerned. "Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks
in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've
fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an
accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing
about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"
2. It is a Local Call
An American decided to write a book about churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, FL, thinking that he would start by working hi way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by, what the telephone was used for? The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
His next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large Cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando, and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God." "OK, Thank you." said the American.
Now he came to Indianapolis, Washington (DC), Philadelphia, Boston, New York. Everywhere he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it - "$10,000 per call". The American leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians also had the same phone.
He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read, "40 cents per call". The American was surprised to see this sign, so he asked the priest about the sign, "Father, I have traveled all over America and I have seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I am told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it that it is so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You are in Canada
now, Son, it is a local call."
3. Vatican Humor
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job. What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile? Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kmph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job too." moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
"So bust him." says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important." said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason."
"No, I mean really important." said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"
4. What Causes Arthritis?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The priest replied - "My Son, it's caused by loose living,
being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow
man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized - "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
5. Are You Sure You Have Lost Him Here?
Before our pastor gets to the subject matter of his sermon, he usually captures the attention of our congregation by telling a joke or funny story. I had heard this one before but found it as funny as the first time I heard it:
One evening a preacher held a country-type baptism. This is where those desiring baptism are submerged into a shallow pond. Quite often, many people gather around either to be baptized or to watch with curiosity at the baptism. On this occasion a drunk man wandered up to the scene, and stood next to the preacher.
The preacher unknowingly dunked the drunk into the water, then quickly
brought him up. He asked the drunk, "Did you find the Holy Spirit?"
The preacher then dunked him and again repeated, "Did you find the Holy Spirit?"
The preacher then dunked him a third time, and held his head underwater for about 30 seconds. The preacher then brought the struggling drunk up and, as before, he repeated the question, "Did you find Him yet?"
The drunk finally caught his breath, shook his head and answered, "Are you sure you lost him in this spot?"
Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13