Miscellanea | Religious Jokes
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1. Why Aren't You Afraid of Me?
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church pews. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
"Don't you realize that I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"And you are still not afraid of me?" asked Satan.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
2. Never Sell That Cow
There once was a 94 year old nun, back in the 1890s whose worn out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her. However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her Mother Superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.
Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the Mother Superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"
3. Why Are the Jews So Smart?
Because they got Ten Commandments, But How?
Once God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that
will make your lives better."
So God went to the Jamaicans and said - "I have Commandments."
So God went to the Mexicans and said - "I have Commandments."
So God went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
Then God went to Indian politicians and said "I have Commandments."
So God went to the Jews and said - "I have Commandments."
4. Brain Transplant
Son - "Papa, Have you heard of the man that transplanted a brain from
one monkey's head to another in America?"
5. Judge and the Judgment
In a small town in India, a person decided to open up a Bar, which was right opposite to a Temple. The Temple and its congregation started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.
Work progressed.. .. However, when the Bar was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt to the ground.
The Temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation and prayers was ultimately responsible for the ill fate of his dream project, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the Temple
vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were
reasons to the bar's burning down. As the case made its way into court, the
Judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented: "I don't
know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork,
that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an
entire Temple and its devotees that doesn't."
6. Praise the Lord
There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'Praise the Lord!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "There is no Lord!" Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.
One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "Praise the Lord! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, Oh Lord!" The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
"Praise the Lord!" she cried
out - "He has provided groceries for me!"
7. New Name
A pastor baptized Fred and dipped his head in water three times. After dipping his head the third time, the pastor said to him - "You are a new creation now; your old creation is gone. No more drinking alcohol. Your new name is David."
David went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Budweiser beer bottle, dipped it in water three times and said - "You are now a new creation, your old one is gone. Your new name is "orange juice". and drank it in one gulp.
8. Mathematical Miracles...
Little Sameer who was a Hindu, was failing in math. His parents tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, but nothing helped. As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic School. "Those nuns are tough" they said.
Sameer was soon enrolled at St Mary's. After school on the very first day Sameer ran through the door and straight to his room, without even kissing his mother hello. He started studying furiously, books and papers spread all over his room. Right after dinner, he ran upstairs without mentioning TV and hit the books harder than before. His parents were amazed.
This behavior continued for weeks, until report card day arrived. Sameer quietly laid the envelope on the table and went to his room. With great trepidation, his mother opened the report.
Sameer had an gotten an 'A' in math.!
She ran up to his room, threw her arms around him and asked,
9. Irish Priest
An Irish priest Father O'Malley was transferred to Ballina Catholic Church. One morning he rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed that there was a Donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
Sergeant Jones, considering himself
to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always
my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 10/01/13